10 Signs Your Friend is Actually a Psycho; A Satire

Before I launch into this post, I want to say that this is solely meant to be satirical. I am in no way trying to make light of people who have actually struggled with loved ones showing psychopathic tendencies. This post is only meant to make you laugh. With that said, let’s dive in.

Does your friend have some really strange habits? Habits that most would consider abnormal or down right creepy? Here are 10 signs your friend might actually be a psycho.

They don’t like the pink Starburst. I mean, come on! Who doesn’t love pink Starbursts? There’s a reason they sell “All Pink” bags of Starbursts. Bonus point if they insist the yellow ones are best.

They don’t have WIFI by choice. Because seriously, who in this day and age chooses not to have WIFI?

They bite instead of peel their string cheese. Everyone knows the whole point of string cheese is to peel off pieces and try to get the stick as small as possible. People who just straight up bite into it have no soul.  

They leave an empty toilet paper roll. People who lack this much common decency can only be psychos; it’s the only logical explanation.

They dip steak in ketchup. If someone needs to dip their steak in ketchup, then they are not seasoning it well enough. Or, even worse, they just straight up prefer it that way. Both of these things are signs of a psycho.

They don’t react to the noise when their silverware scratches their plate. This is one of the worst noises in the world, second only to chalk scratching a chalkboard. People who just don’t react at all to this obviously aren’t normal.

They chew their ice cream. I cannot fathom how someone can stand taking a bite out of ice cream. What makes you chew and bite something that is so obviously meant to be licked? Why? Just why?  

They try to eat a McDouble with a knife and fork. I know what you’re thinking- “no one actually does this.” But I have seen someone attempt to do this with my own eyes. It’s still one of the most disturbing things I have ever laid eyes on.

The first piece of lasagna they take is from the middle of the pan. This is just fundamentally wrong on so many levels.  

They say tater tot casserole. Now any other dish that is referred to as a casserole rather than a hotdish can be chalked up so linguistic differences. BUT tater tot hotdish is ALWAYS hotdish. No exceptions. That is a hill I will gladly die on.

If someone you know appears on the list one or more times, hopefully it’s not too late to save yourself.

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