I’ve written posts to my friends, my coworkers, members of my family, a boyfriend who doesn’t exist, and several others. I’ve written to let people know what they mean to me, how much they’ve done for me, what I love about them, and so much more. I’ve written to help people understand, to make people see how they’ve hurt me, and to help people feel good. I’ve written hundreds of posts, meant for different types of readers, but there’s one person I haven’t yet written to- me. So here we are- my letter to me.
I know you hate when people beat around the bush, so I’ll just cut right to the chase; you have to stop beating yourself up all the time. You talk about being kind to others, and work hard to be a good person to those around you, but you seem to have forgotten to be kind to yourself. I know this hard for you, especially since there are so many parts of you that you don’t like. I know how hard you work to ignore the voice in your head that tells you over and over how worthless you are. I know how hard you’ve fought to make it this far. I know how many times you’ve fought to stay alive. I know how hard this life has been for you. But I also know how strong you’ve become. You have pushed through every obstacle this life has thrown at you, and you have made it to the other side. You have moved mountains to get where you are, and you should be proud of yourself for that.
Yes, you have done things you aren’t proud of. Yes, you have made mistakes. Yes, you’ve let your emotions get the better of you. But you have never stopped trying. You have never been afraid to take responsibility for what you’ve done. You own your mistakes and you apologize for them. Not everyone has the courage to do that. Sometimes people look at you, and all they see is a mess. But you know that that even though that may be true sometimes, it does not define who you are. You are allowed to be a mess and to make mistakes. You are allowed to get upset and show your emotions. You are allowed to be human.
You have learned that you are more than your anxiety and depression, and you have stopped letting it run your life. Yes, it still takes the wheel now and again, but it’s not the only one driving the car. You’ve learned to let people in and see all that you can be. You’ve learned to stop apologizing for who you are. You’ve stopped hiding behind walls because you took the time to tear them down. You’ve stopped being ashamed. You’ve stopped obsessing over everything you should be, and just let yourself be.
I know you believe you are worthless sometimes, but I want you to know that you aren’t. So many people value you, and they don’t think you’re nothing. Their world has been changed by you, and that means something. It can be hard to see your worth sometimes, but it’s there- you just have to dig for it. For some people, you are worth the effort. You are worth the frustration and the shut outs. You are worth the time. Stop listening to the voice inside you that tells you how worthless you are and start listening to the voices around you that tell why that voice is wrong.
I also know how lonely you can be and how you think you don’t deserve to be loved, but I know that’s not true. You deserve someone who sees how wonderful you can be and helps you to see it too. Yes, you’ve had a bad run with guys making you feel like you aren’t worthy of anything better- like all you will ever be is broken. But part of you has to know that isn’t true, or you wouldn’t have walked away from every single one of them. It takes an incredible amount of strength to do that, but also takes the realization that they aren’t good enough for you. You deserve better- you deserve someone who makes you happy. You deserve to be loved.
Life has not been kind to you, and I know that’s why you try so hard to be kind to others. This has been thrown back in your face more times than you can count. You’ve been taken for granted, ignored, pushed around, and made to feel like none of it matters. People have taken your kindness and used it against you more times than you can count, but you haven’t let it stop you. No one likes to feel this way- no one likes to have their existence ignored, to feel like people only care because you have something to give, to feel hurt. You take that hurt, and you use it to fuel the spark of kindness inside of you. Someday, people will look back and remember you for that. They will remember how you treated them kindly, despite how others treated you. They will remember you for your heart, and that’s not something everyone can say.
So, you can think that no one likes you, that you don’t matter, and that you are nothing. You can think that you’re a terrible person and you can think you will never be worthy of anything. But you’re wrong. You are lying to yourself. You wouldn’t work as hard as you do if all that were true. You have coworkers who adore you, friends who love you, and family who wouldn’t know what to do without you. You are not nothing. It’s time you stop treating yourself like you are.
With Love, You
This wasn’t easy for me to write, but I also know that this isn’t just for me. This for anyone who feels like they are nothing. This is for anyone who feels like they don’t matter. This is for anyone who cannot see their worth. Your voice is lying to you too, and some part of you knows it. Find that part of yourself, and let it in. Let it tell you why you matter. Let it tell you why you aren’t nothing. Let it consume you. You’ll be glad you did.