I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about where we are in this world; our past, our present, and most of all, our future. I remember back when I was just a child- innocent from the world’s terrors- when I was so sure I had the best dad this world could offer. You took me with you everywhere, and treated me like a princess. You brought me back a postcard every time you traveled, and took me out of state for the first time. I wonder if I knew then what I know now, would I still fall for the lie? Fast forward years later when you began to pull away- when you seemed to forget about your family. When what I thought was a temporary reaction would eventually return to normal. But it only got worse from there.
The night we lost J.R. was the night we lost what was left of you. You forgot about the kids you had left, and could only see the one that was gone. You sunk further into yourself, so you couldn’t see us anymore; you forgot we needed you. Then you left. You wanted to go out and live your life and have fun, and I guess we were the ones keeping you from that. You saw us as a burden, and I have never forgiven you for that. You took a piece of me with you that night; a piece that I will never get back. I watched the one man who was always supposed to love me no matter what, turn his back on me.
You came back, but I was never the same. I watched you treat us all like a heavy load you wanted to be rid of. You talked to me like I was a stranger who was keeping you from happiness. You called me names to my face and behind my back, and blamed us for the life you didn’t want. I watched you be a father to other girls my age; you gave them your time and energy, but you never had any left for your own daughter.
Because of you, I have never felt whole. Because of you, I wait for everyone else in my life to leave me. Because of you, I am constantly afraid that people will realize that I’m not worth it, and turn their backs on me. Because of you, I don’t believe people when they say they like me and want to be around me. Because of you, I have no self-esteem left, because you took it away. Because of you, I see myself as burden to others. Because of you, I am terrified to ever let anyone love me. Because of you, I push away anyone who gets too close. Because of you, I feel a speck of hate and jealousy to anyone who has a good relationship with their father. Because of you, I never feel good enough. Because of you, I feel that I am meant to go through life alone. Because of you, I hate myself.
But none of that matters to you, so guess what? I did it. I did everything without you. I became the person I am without you. I have endured every hardship life has thrown at me without you. I have felt happiness and joy without you. I have found an inner strength I didn’t know I had without you. I have built a life without you. And now, I don’t need you anymore. Yes, you took pieces of me, but you can keep them; I don’t want them anymore. I hope you treat your “new daughter” better than you treated your real daughter. I hope that someday you realize all the ways you destroyed me and left me behind, and you finally realize what you missed it out on. Because I’m not a girl without her father anymore; you’re a father without his daughter.
The daughter who wasn’t worth it.