When you are the type of person who consistently puts other people before yourself, the strain of keeping everyone happy can wear on you. It makes you terrified to make a decision at the risk of making someone unhappy, which causes you to avoid making them if you can. In those instances that making choices is unavoidable, you triple question yourself before you make one on even the simplest of things. But where do you draw the line? At what point do you put your own sanity first? The problem is, for those of us who rarely put ourselves first, people become used to this, causing them to be surprised when we finally do something for ourselves. But like everything unfamiliar, there are consequences to this. Putting ourselves first comes with a price. Sometimes that price is someone is in a bad mood, sometimes it’s a fight, and sometimes it’s losing people all together.
At what point does your own sanity no longer come before your friends? Is keeping your mind healthy worth the consequence of losing those you care about most? Where is the line, and on what side do you go on? Do you remain on the one side; constantly giving pieces of yourself to others until there’s nothing less, or do you cross the line to save your own mind? Once you cross, how hard is it to cross back? Can you ever go back? Is the consequence of losing your friends worth not losing yourself? Is it worth being happy if the people you care about the most aren’t there to share it with you? Is feeling safe worth feeling lonely? I don’t know. I wish I did, but I’m lost.
Here’s what I do know: I know that my mind is finally at ease. I know that I don’t feel afraid to walk alone. I know that I sleep better at night. I know that I feel safe again. I also know that I am terrified now for a whole new reason. I know that I have lost two of the most important friends in my life. I know that I don’t have as good of relationships with people as I thought. I know that remaining on the other side of the line would have been easier in some ways and impossible in others. I know that I feel more alone now than ever. I know that this is ripping me apart from the inside. I know that losing my friends hurts so much more than I thought.
How dare I put myself first? How dare I want to feel safe? How dare I do something inside of just enduring? How dare I not think of how this would affect everyone else? How dare I cross that line? How dare I think for one second that anyone would attempt to look at things from my point of view? How dare I forget who I am supposed to be.