To the Friends I Made in College

As it is for most people, high school was a difficult time for me. Making friends never came easily to me, and often times the ones I did make weren’t always the best people to keep around. During high school, I had the opportunity to have my two closest friends sit in front of me, and point out everything they didn’t like about me. I had my group of friends literally turn their back on me while I cried in the lunch line about my dad walking out on my family. I had my best friend tell people she wished I would kill myself so she wouldn’t have to do it herself. I had my entire group of friends go on a hiking trip I had planned without me. I watched them make plans in front of me without ever being included; sometimes I even helped with the planning. While they weren’t all bad, and those that were had redeeming qualities, I never realized how much I was missing out on in the friend department until I went to college. While my high school friends were a part of my life I will never forget, and I do appreciate those of you I still talk to, this post is for the friends I made in college.

Let me just start by saying that I don’t know how you guys do it. I often wonder why you all continue to put up with me, especially considering that I know I’m not easy to handle. I know that I can be obnoxious, annoying, crazy, moody, and a million other things, but yet you all choose to continue seeing the best in me. While I know being my friend is no simple task, I feel that I owe you a few explanations.

First of all, I know I apologize a lot, but just know that every apology is sincere. I apologize because I am terrified that I have actually insulted or upset you in some way, and it kills me to think one of you are mad at me. The truth is that I am terrified to lose any of you, so I will apologize for every little thing. I will constantly ask you if I am annoying, because the last thing I want to do is annoy you, however I feel that I am ALWAYS annoying you. When you text me and don’t reply, I know how obnoxious it is that I will automatically think you are mad at me; which I will probably apologize for later. Sometimes the littlest thing will set me off, and it will seem dramatic. Please just know that it is a side effect of my anxiety, as are all of these things. Sometimes I just need some space, and I just need you to be patient with me. I don’t mean to ask so much from you, but I promise, when you let me, I will try my hardest to be a good a friend in return.

I appreciate all the little things you guys do for me; even the smallest compliment means the world to me. I never want you guys to think I don’t appreciate you, so I do my best to show it. You guys have no idea how much I value you, but you all mean the world to me. You have shown me what true friends do for each other, and I will never be able to thank you enough for that. Maintaining a friendship with someone with depression or anxiety is hard enough, but being friends with someone who struggles with both is nearly impossible. I honestly don’t know how or why any of you do it, but I am so thankful that you do. Not only have you shown me how wonderful this world can look when it is filled with amazing friends, you have also helped me to see that I do have some self-worth. You have shown me that it is okay to let your friends see your weaknesses, because they are willing to overlook them to see your strengths. True friends will look past your many flaws, and choose to see the beauty in your heart. While I appreciate all of you, I want to mention some of the people here that have changed me and my life the most.

Stephanie: I am so glad we ended up talking more this past year, and I hope we continue to get to know each other better. You understand me in some ways better than anyone else could, and I thank you for that. You are an amazing person who can always brighten my day.

Dan: Having another writer friend is something I have never had before. It is so amazing having someone to talk about my greatest passion with; someone who understands the passion. You are an amazing writer and an even more amazing friend. I’m lucky to have been introduced to you my freshman year.

Mama: Thank you for being such an important part of the sport I love. You have always encouraged and challenged me, and I appreciate everything you have done for me. You continue to be a huge role model to me, and you have shown me the type of woman I want to be. You have truly become a second mom to me, and I wish you nothing but happiness.

Alex: I owe nearly everything I am in rugby to you. Not only were you the one to talk me into coming to my first practice, you were also the one who talked me through every self doubt and every struggle. You are more than my teammate, you are a friend that I owe my rugby playing to. You believed in me when no one else did, and you never stopped encouraging me to play my best. You helped me find my inner beast and never stopped building up my confidence. I miss you dearly, and I am honored to have taken the rugby field so many times with you. I hope to eventually be half as good of a rugby player as you.

Ginny: You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Your heart is as beautiful as your face, which is impressive because your face is absolutely gorgeous. I love all our conversations, especially when we’ve each had a few. I wish I could paint and draw as well as you can, because your talent is unbelievable. Never forget how amazing you are, and never let anyone dull your inner sparkle.

Seth: You are so unlike anyone else I have ever met, and I mean that in the best way. I have more memories with you than I can count. I never cease to laugh when I’m around you, but you also have such a beautiful soul. I hope no matter what this world throws at you, you never lose that.

Cassy: You made my freshman year unforgettable. We have so many wonderful memories together, and I am so thankful I met you that first weekend. You were my first friend in college, and you have stayed with me through so many hardships. I love you so much, and I cannot wait to see what this world has to offer you. You’re style and confidence is something that I wish I could obtain, and your soul is one of the strongest and most beautiful one I’ve ever seen. I wish you all the happiness in the world as you prepare to start the next chapter of your life.

Lee: First, I have to say you are such a beast! You are amazing on and off the rugby field, with one of the most amazing sense of kindness I have ever seen. Never let anyone tell you that you can’t be who you want to be, and if they do, tackle them to the ground.

Sabrina, Raina, Josi, and Arianna: You girls have such beautiful personalities. I cannot wait to get to know you better as we play the beautiful game of rugby this season. You girls are amazing, and you all work so hard every practice. Keep trying your best, because as a team, we appreciate you. You, along with our other rookies, are the future of this team.

Abbey, Jessie, Julia, Claira, Lil’ Meg, Katie, and Courtney: Words cannot describe how proud I am of all of you for all your hard work on and off the rugby field. You guys are so much more than teammates to me- you are some of the best friends I have ever been lucky enough to achieve. As I said before, you are the future of this team. I cannot wait to see all the amazing things you will do. You are beautiful girls, inside and out, and I am so unbelievably happy and proud to call you my teammates and my friends. Never lose your spirits.

Tous: I haven’t known you very long, but you have changed my life. You can always make me smile, even on my worst days. You are a great listener who never judges me. You laugh at all my jokes and you never cease to make me feel pretty, just the way I am. You build my confidence every time I’m around you, and I think you are an amazing person. Never let anyone tell you any differently.

Ryan: How lucky am I that you are dating my roommate. You are so unbelievably funny and kind, and Amanda is so lucky to have you. I am honored to serve as your third wheel, and I love having you around. You brighten up our apartment every time you come to town. You are more than simply my roommate’s boyfriend; you are my friend. You are a wonderful person and I am extremely fortunate to have met you.

Alyssa: We got so close so fast, and I’m so happy we did. I love our walks and coffee breaks and all the awesome adventures we have gone on- I hope there are many more to make! Whether sober or not, I never cease to have fun when I’m with you. You are utterly fantastic and I love your beautiful spirit. I wish you nothing but happiness, and I cannot wait to see what adventures await us. I love you!

Mataya: I have been trying so hard to force my friendship on you, and I am confident enough to say I have succeeded! I think you are just such an awesome person, and you are so darn beautiful, it makes me so jealous (in a good way). I hope that we can get to know each other better in the future, but I enjoy spending time with you on and off the rugby field. As your new third wheel, let me know if you ever need me to take care of… something. You are so fun to be around and I would love to hang out with you more.

Brycestefer: Okay, I have no idea how to spell that, so that’s what we will go with. I need to start by saying that you definitely lucked out in the woman department, so don’t you dare mess that up! You have a very unique personality that I enjoy being around. You make me smile and laugh more than most with your sarcasm. I especially enjoy the way we can make fun of each other, without getting mad at each other. I’m glad I forced my friendship on you, because you did so much for me when I was going through my boy troubles. Thank you for listening to me and for always being honest with me. I owe you so much for that, and I will never be able to thank you enough. Thank you for being my friend, despite how annoying I can be.

Kienan: Our friendship has never been easy, but I have enjoyed it all the same. You know me better than almost anyone else, and I have so much to be grateful for when it comes to you. More than anything, thank you for always being there for me. Words will never describe how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate you. There is so much more I could say, but I’ll just leave it at this- I don’t know what I’ll do when you move away, but you have been a huge part of my life that I will never forget. I wish you the best, and I hope this life gives you everything you want.

Crystal: or should I say Crustal? Girl, I don’t even know where to start. You are one of the funniest, nicest, coolest, smartest, most talented people I have ever had the pleasure to meet. I loved living with you, nerding out with you, and making so many awesome memories with you. I wish you could come visit more, because we always have the best times with you. You never cease to highlight my life, especially where Harry Potter is concerned. I love you so much and I hope to continue to make more memories with you, ya Birch! You are so creative, intelligent, and talented. Because I have met you, I am changed for good. You are fantastic and a thousand other good things. Love you!

Payton: PAY PAY!!! You understand me in ways no one else does, especially when it comes to the single life and not liking the touching. From Carl to Spongebob, I always smile when I’m with you. You are one of the best people this world has to offer, and I wish I got to spend more time with you. You deserve the best this world has to offer. It takes an extraordinary person to be so selfless, funny, and compassionate, but that’s what makes you extraordinary. Your inner beauty shines just as bright as your outer beauty, and I am honored to call you my friend. Payton come home!!! Never stop being amazing.

Grady: You are like the older brother I lost. Thank you for always looking out for me, especially where alcohol is concerned, for being there for me, but also for matching my sarcasm on every level. You make me laugh harder than I thought possible, and your relationship with Michaela has taught me what a truly perfect (at least to me) relationship looks like. Thank you so much for all you have done for me. I don’t know what I’d do without you in my corner. Words cannot express how grateful I am for everything you have done. Thank you for continuing to be my friend, despite everything I put you through.

Maka: You are so unbelievably wonderful. Not only are you one of the funniest people I’ve ever met, but you are so beautiful and compassionate. I can talk to you about anything, and can always count on you to be honest with love. You have helped me through some tough stuff, and you never fail to brighten my day. Maquila is one of my favorite people to party with, but Michaela is one of my best friends. I am honored to call you my friend, and I am forever grateful for the friendship I have with you. Never let anything dull your personality. I wish you the best with lots of cats.

Jordan: I don’t think there is anyone in the world that comes close to you. It’s wonderful to have someone on my weirdness level. After all the time I spent forcing my friendship on you, you have finally admitted that I am in your top three. You may have been drunk when you said it, but I’m taking it. You make me smile wider and laugh harder than anyone else in this world. I am so thankful for our crazy, weird friendship. Whether I am sending you hawks, redoing your calendar, stealing your booze and hats, or helping you plan our life on a schoolie, many of my best memories of this past year are spent with you. I’m so happy to call you my friend, and I am so lucky to have you in my life. I’m dreading the day when you leave, because I’ll be lost. I hope your personality never dulls and your hair keeps its amazing flow. I hope you get everything you desire in this world, even if it is a school bus. Keep being the amazingly wonderful person you are.

Keaton: You are the craziest person I have ever met, and I love every second of it. You make me laugh until I can’t breathe. I have some of the best memories ever in college with you. From hanging in the study rooms to calling me mom to pouring pop on me, I have some of the best stories to share with you in them. I love how much crap we give each other, and I love that you never sugarcoat anything for me. I hope your wild spirit never calms, and I hope you never lose your amazing, fun-filled personality. Never change, or I’ll send you to live with your dad. I love you so much, and I can’t wait for you, Kelsey, and me to start the rest of our lives together.

Liz: I can’t believe how fast we got this close. You are so beautiful, inside and out, and I love you so much. We always have so much fun together, but you are also a great listener, especially when I need a shoulder to cry on. Even though I was ankle deep in a bad situation with a boy, you always supported me and all my decisions. You never judged me for them, and words can’t say how much I appreciate that. You have one of the most beautiful personalities in the world, and I hope you never lose that. You are so outgoing, fun, and just all around amazing. I am so jealous of how easy it is for you to talk to people, but that is part of what makes you so awesome. I’m so glad to call you my roommate and even happier to call you my friend. I love you so much, especially on Wednesdays.

Amanda: I often wonder what would have happened if I had never come over for dinner all that time ago. That was one of the best decisions of my life. You opened me up to friendships, countless laughs, and an infinite amount of memories. When we cook together, laugh together, talk together, or anything else, I consider it an honor to call you my roommate as well as my friend. I know living with me isn’t always easy, so I appreciate that you have been able to do it for so long. I hope you have a life filled with happiness, because you deserve it. You have a beautiful face and an even more beautiful personality. You have played a huge part into shaping me into the person I am. Thank you for listening to me, for understanding my anxiety, for being patient with me, for laughing with me, and for a thousand other things. Becoming friends with you has been one of the best parts of my life. Thank you for all you do. I love you more than words can say. Thank you for being you.

Kelsey: There will never be enough words to describe how much I appreciate you, and I know a lot of words. You have put up with more from me than anyone else, but yet you remain my best friend. I honestly don’t know how you do it. You are the best person I know, and the world needs more people like you. You are unbelievably amazing, and I am so gracious to be your friend. I love you so much, and I’m so glad you have never given up on me. I know that being my friend has been hard on you, but you have done it with grace. I could go on forever on what you mean to me, but there isn’t enough time in the world for that. You are so unbelievably spectacular, and I hope I never lose you. You are a huge part of my world, and you have brightened my life. Thank you so much for being you.

To all my friends, listed here or not, you are my world. I don’t know how I would function without you. I appreciate everything you do for me, and I will never stop trying to make everything up to you. I would do anything for you guys. You all make my life so much brighter than I thought possible. I am so lucky to have you all in my life. Thank you all for being a bright part of my world. I love you all more than you will ever know, but I will never stop trying to show you how much I appreciate all of you.

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3 thoughts on “To the Friends I Made in College

  1. I can totally relate to a lot of what you wrote here, as I too have depression and anxiety, so I understand all the crap that comes with having both. I never thought I’d meet another person who has had troubles with friends as I have. When I was in elementary school I had a few friends for a bit. Otherwise, I didn’t really have any friends growing up. I think after you’ve experienced repeated betrayals and rejections, it makes it that much harder to open up to someone. I am so sorry you had to go through what you did. None of what you described is anything you deserved. I’m glad to see after reading this blog post that you have many people you can call friends today. In which case, I am honored that you have included me despite how little we know each other. However, I very much would like to get to know you better! And it isn’t just because I don’t really have a close relationship with anyone other than Dan (okay, maybe a little :P) But even if you acting so energetic is because of your anxiety, you are radiant. As cheesy as this WILL sound, you are like a bright star in the night sky.

    I also want to let you know that as you work through your anxiety and depression, and meet people willing to help you work through it, it will get easier to manage on a day to day basis. From my experience, confronting and conquering the situations that make you anxious or depressed makes it a little easier next time, and the time after that. Just remember not to use your anxiety or depression as a crutch or an excuse for saying or doing something. You will only end up taking steps backwards. Rewire the way you think!

    You have more than just “some” self-worth. You are irreplaceable and worth just as much as anyone else, maybe even more. I know how hard it can be to believe it yourself, so I don’t expect you to. Hell, this is something I still struggle with occasionally. But just know that many people wouldn’t have you any other way than how you are, and find your friendship a priceless aspect of their lives.

    If you ever want any advice or suggestions on how to help yourself move past the anxiety and depression, please feel free to ask. I’ve been on my own since I was 18 and I’ve had to learn everything the hard way, for better or worse. I’ve had ups and downs aplenty, so I’ve learned a lot over the years. I swear, a lot of the time I feel like an old lady surrounded by teens with how my mind is these days! Haha.

    Anyhow, sorry I’ve made this such a long response. It’s a bad tendency of mine. My thoughts just keep going and going.. BUT ANYWAYS..

    From what I’ve seen, you have so much support and love. Stop putting yourself down, girl! You are beautiful, intelligent, funny, and a blast to be around! Anyone who says otherwise isn’t worth your time and doesn’t deserve you! Keep being you and keep moving forward to better yourself. You got this! Whenever a problem or obstacle arises just proclaim, “Challenge Accepted!”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This just made my whole week!!! You reminded me of why I started this in the first place. as for rambling and writing, I do the same thing so I just started letting other people deal with it haha. I hope we can get to know each other better. Your words warmed my heart. The power of words never ceases to amaze me, and I wish there were more people that thought the way you do. Thanks for seeing the best in me, especially where I can’t see it myself.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Toootally late but I really wanted to respond to your comment here! Good on you for getting your thoughts out there REGARDLESS of what anyone else thinks!

        As for my way of thinking, people will get there eventually! Some of us just got there quicker based on the experiences we had, whether good or bad 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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