Let me start by saying that I don’t have a lot of experience with love. Expressing deep feelings is not something that has ever come easily to me. Yes, I love my family unconditionally, and I love my friends with everything I have. But I don’t always do a great job of expressing it. It’s supposed to be easy, but it’s not. It’s really really hard. The worst part is when all of a sudden, someone waltzes into your life and sucks you in. He sucks you in so deep, you almost forget how to breathe. That’s how it felt with him. People say it’s like a fire, but for me it felt like drowning. Something that was killing me slowly, but I didn’t mind because it just felt to damn good.
I opened up my heart for the first time, and let the love flood inside me. I want to say that this resulted in a beautiful, Disney worthy ending, but it didn’t. It was brief, but it was also beautiful. I know I don’t know very much about love, but I do know this: loving someone who will never love you back is one of the hardest things. I’ve read so many books that told me about this feeling, but they did nothing to prepare me for how it would actually feel to be faced with that blinding realization. Do I stop or keep trying? That’s a hard question to ponder because you know that things will never change, but there’s a tiny voice in your head that’s telling you maybe it’ll work out. This little voice gets louder and louder until it is screaming, and becomes the only thing you can hear. So you keep trying, hoping for the best. This is hard. You want him to change his mind, but you know he won’t. As time passes, that little voice realizes it too. Before long, that voice becomes a whisper you can barely hear, and only then are you able to walk away.
But walking away is easier said than done. It is one of the hardest things to do. It feels impossible, because as soon as you finally gain the courage to do it, all you want to do is turn around and go back. Sometimes you do go back. You go back over and over again until finally, there’s nothing left to go back to. Finally, you are faced with the blinding realization that nothing you do or say will ever change the way he feels. You realize that if you ever want to feel whole, you have to let him go. So you let him go. You back away slowly until you can’t see him anymore. And then you turn around and run like hell. You run until you don’t think about all the magical things he made you feel. You run until you stop replaying all the good memories over and over in your mind. You run until you no longer feel like someone is ripping your heart of your chest. You run until you remember how to breath, remember how to be without him. You run until you stop looking back to see if he’s coming after you, because you know he’s not. To him, you weren’t worth that. You run until every mistake you ever made with him stops haunting you.
This is all I know about that kind of love. The love that stretches beyond your family and friends. The kind that consumes you when you lie awake at night, unable to forget the feeling of him on your skin. The kind of love that makes you believe you can do anything in this world, as long as he is beside you. The kind of love that makes you want him and no one else when you’re feeling sad. The kind of love you want to hold in your heart forever. It’s the kind of love that I can’t hold onto anymore. So I’m still running.