To My Mess

I don’t even know where to start. Every time I think about it I am filled with anger and sadness. I know it’s stupid and doesn’t make any sense, but I can’t help it. I miss you. I miss the way we talked and laughed. I miss your honesty. I miss your personality. I miss your arms around me. I feel so stupid because we weren’t together, not really. We didn’t want that. I didn’t want that. And maybe that’s the hardest part: that I was perfectly happy with what we did have. I never wanted anything more. And maybe that makes me stupid or cheap or easy, but I don’t care. I was happy with the parts of you I had, because I got most of the good parts. I didn’t feel any pressure and I didn’t worry about what you thought, because we weren’t together, and we didn’t want to be. But now that it’s over, I realize just how happy I was. I miss you all the time and have to resist the urge to text you a hundred times a day. I miss laying in your bed and talking about nothing. I miss how safe you made me feel when you put your arms around me. I miss the way you were always honest and never put up with my attitude.

But I’m also so mad at you. I’m so mad, it burns me up inside, because you made it clear that I wasn’t worth your time. I wasn’t worth it. And it kills me that I care so much, because you were my friend. My friend that I talked to every day. Of course I care. It kills me that I care so much and I miss you, but I know you don’t miss me. I know you don’t care about me. I feel so stupid for caring. I hate that I care so much about people and they don’t care about me, and you are no exception. It kills me that I could walk out of your life forever, and you wouldn’t even bat an eye.

And then I just get filled with this consuming sadness, and all I want to do is cry, because I can’t seem to figure out why I ruin every friendship I have. I’m sad that I thought we were friends and that you cared, but you didn’t. I’m sad that I spent so much time defending you to my friends, when they were right all along. I’m sad that I chose not to see the dark parts of you, because I was too focused on the good. I’m sad that it’s so easy for you to just cast me aside like we were never friends at all.

I never wanted anything more, I can promise you that. But just because I was perfectly happy with we had, doesn’t mean this doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel lost, because I do. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you, because I do. Every day. I know you can’t miss what you never had, but I miss the part of you I did have. I miss the time we spent together and all the conversations we had. I miss how easy it was with you, because we knew what we wanted and we knew what we were.

And I hate you. I hate you so much for making me feel this way, when we weren’t even together. I hate how easy this is for you, while I spend my nights fighting back tears. I hate that I care this much. I hate that I have to go back to having no one. I hate that I put in so much effort. I hate that we fought so much for something so little. But the thing I hate the most, is that I don’t hate you at all. I just miss you.


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