My Top 10 Insecurities

Quite some time ago, I was browsing the blog of fitness expert, Heidi Powell. She had this post in which she opened up about her imperfections, which I found very inspiring. This seemingly perfect public figure was just as insecure about herself as I am. Rather than highlighting my imperfections (because there are a lot of them), I have decided to list my top 10 insecurities. Believe me when I say that I have MANY more than the 10 listed here, but these are the ones that I struggle with almost on a daily basis. For me, 2016 is a year for bravery and strength, so here goes nothing.

  1. My Teeth: According to my dentist, our teeth’s color, just like our skin, is determined by the amount of pigments in them. My teeth have more big pigments in them than most people (confirmed by my dentist). This makes my teeth have yellowish hue to them. No matter how much I brush them or what kind of toothpaste I buy, they still appear yellow. Since I can’t afford to have them whitened or to buy whitening strips on a regular basis, I seem to be stuck with my yellow teeth. This, of course, makes me very insecure about my smile, especially when meeting new people.
  1. My Thighs: As much as I love Thunder and Lightening (yes, they have names), they also cause some insecurities. Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with their size, as I have always admired their larger than averageness. I feel more powerful when I look at them. The insecurity comes with what is on them. The insides of my thighs are laced with stretch marks, that disgust me every time I see them. I am unbelievably embarrassed by them. They also hold copious amounts of cellulite, which many of us do struggle with. I hate that as well. I avoid wearing shorts when I can to hide these two things that I am so ashamed of.
  1. My Breath: Even though my mom and brother are the only ones that have ever commented on it, I am crazy insecure about the smell of my breath. When I was in high school, I brushed my teeth 4 or 5 times a day and always had a pack of gum on me. Today, I only brush them 3 times a day and still carry a pack of gum. I worry every time I eat something, drink coffee, or have weird taste in my mouth that my breath is awful. This is part of the reason as to why I drink so much water- it lessens the scent of your breath.
  1. My Laugh: So many people have commented on my laugh! It’s too loud, it’s annoying, and on and on. I don’t need to tell you that the more someone comments on your insecurity, the more insecure you become about it. This is me with my laugh. As someone with a lot of different laughs (I don’t know why this happens), I am especially insecure about them.
  1. My Past: I have so many dark things in my past, that I feel it’s normal for me to be insecure about it, however this doesn’t’ make it any easier when someone is trying to get me to open up about it. I hate it when I have to inevitably share the darkest parts of my past with people, because I don’t want to be treated any differently because of them. Unfortunately, this is probably one of those things that will never go away.
  1. My Boobs: Let me just say my boobs are HUGE. And I don’t mean DD’s huge, I mean insanely HUGE. Like “can’t even find a bra that fits because they are so big” huge. My whole life, I have been chestier than my peers, partly because they started growing when I was in 4th grade, and continued to do so until my sophomore year of college. I have been hearing comments about them for almost my whole life. Examples? “Why are your boobs so big?” “Why don’t you just get them reduced?” “Can I touch them?” “Are they heavy?” and so on for the last 10 years. I have been the butt of numerous jokes, been given a lot of inappropriate nicknames, and even sexually harassed all at the expense of my boobs. I don’t think it is a mystery as to why “The Girls” make me feel insecure.
  1. My Brain Problems: Mental health is a very common insecurity, and mine is no different. I struggle with a lot of anxiety that manifests in many different forms, as well as depression. Don’t get me wrong: I am not ashamed of my mental health problems and I am very open about them. However, I am insecure about them because they keep me from doing the things I want to do. It’s a struggle for me to walk into a store alone. I use self checkouts to avoid the anxiety caused by a regular checkout line. I have to leave for my 11:30 class at exactly 11:15 or I will worry obsessively about late or being early. It is these things that happen in my head that I am insecure about- how much it runs my life.
  1. My Rugby Skills: As much I love this game, it causes me so much insecurity at every game and at every practice. Will I do this right, please don’t mess up, oh gosh don’t let the ball come to me, PLEASE let me catch this ball- those are just some of the many thoughts that are constantly running through my head. Why? Because I am constantly feeling like I am not good enough for my team, and I try so hard every day to keep from disappointing them. However, 9/10 I fail at this, and tend to beat myself about it for hours afterwards.
  1. My Arms: I hate hate HATE my arms. I see them as fat and gross, and I wish I could cut all the fat off them. They jiggle when I wave them and look huge when my arms are down my sides. If I had to choose the one part of my body that I was the most insecure about, my arms would win every time.
  1. My Lack of Relationship Experience: I have a lot of trouble with romantic relationships, which makes me very inexperienced. This didn’t come off as an insecurity until one of my best friends threw it in my face over the summer. Now it has become something that I am embarrassed by. It has led me to accept the fact that I will never have the romantic relationship I have been craving for years, but I am slowly making my peace with that.

Now you know the parts of me I am the least proud of. However, these things do not stop me from working everyday to love myself more. It takes bravery to lay all your biggest flaws out in front of you for others to see, but as I said, my theme for 2016 centers around bravery and inner strength. Hopefully, this post will awaken some of your inner strength like Heidi’s post did for me. Until next time- keep rocking your flaws and I will continue to rock mine in the best way I know how, and keep being your perfectly imperfect selves.

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Holes

While climbing the mountain called life, we now that there are a lot of dips along the way; sometimes you go down a little before you continue to go up. This is normal- we all have our ups and downs, but as long as we keep fighting for the top, we end up okay. The problem occurs when you find yourself in a hole. Sometimes it is a slow descent and other times you fall so fast, you don’t realize it until you are at the bottom. About a month ago, I was in that whole. I fell so fast and so far, I didn’t know if I was going to make it out alive. I was down so deep, that nothing could get to me, no one could help me out, because no one get there. I was alone at the bottom of this hole that I had somehow walked into, and it seemed like I just kept falling. One thing after another went wrong, and I just get kept digging myself in deeper. I felt trapped, and I didn’t know how to claw myself out. I was stuck in a deep pit of my own despair with no idea on how to return to the surface. But the key point to this story is that I refused to stay there. I let myself have a few days at the bottom, but then I started climbing.

I’m not going to lie- climbing out of those holes is hard! It is one of the hardest things you will ever do, and it’s so much harder when it feels like no one is there to help you, but is possible. You just have to start clawing towards the top. This can take days or years, but you have to keep climbing, even when you fall back down again. You cannot stop fighting to make your way out, because no one else can climb the mountain of your life. I know it easier said then done, but I can promise you as someone who has been very deep in the hole before: you can make it out. You just have to remind yourself of all the things you are fighting for, and then just keep climbing.

Why We Are Here

When I was a junior in high school, I had to take a world history class. Now, most people would dread this class, however mine was with my favorite teacher, so I was excited for this semester long class. On the first day, my teacher posed us all a question: “Why are we here?” We all kind of rolled our eyes and blew off the question, but he wanted a serious answer. He told us to come up with two reasons as to why we thought we were here. I didn’t have a serious answer to this question, so I blew off the assignment. One of the reasons I put was that we didn’t have a purpose. We all were simply here to live and then die- there was no deep meaning to it. I don’t even remember what the other answer I put was, because it didn’t matter.

Now most people would finish the assignment, and move on with their lives, but this one stayed with me. I couldn’t seem to get the question out of my head: “Why are we here?” I couldn’t find an answer, no matter how hard I looked. For whatever reason, this assignment stayed with me for a year and a half until I finally discovered the answer I had been looking for.

I had organized a memorial event at my school. Community members were invited to come honor their loved ones who had passed. For such a small school, we had a lot of names. That night, as we gathered in a circle, most of us choking back tears, I found my answer.

When you lose someone you love, you start to feel all alone. No one understands what you are going through, because everyone grieves differently. But I realized that night, that if we all feel alone, then we are together in that too. That’s when I realized why I think we are here: to remind everyone that they are not alone. To be there for people when they need someone and to show them someone is in their corner.

It was that moment that set the foundation for how I continue to live my life 2.5 years later. I know how what it feels like to think you are all alone- it is a curse I would never wish on anybody. I live everyday to try and show others they are not alone. This isn’t always easy, and I know that I am far from perfect, but when I am faced with challenges and difficult choices, I think back to this concept. I think about what I feel my purpose in life is, and life doesn’t seem so difficult anymore. I challenge you to ask yourself “Why are we here?” Don’t be discouraged if you can’t come up with an answer right away. After all, mine took a year and a half to find.

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Feeling Worthy

As I do most Wednesdays, I had rugby practice this morning. We picked teams for some “flag rugby”, and I was, of course, picked last (which I took much better than last time now that my hormones have been stabilized), however I happened to score three or four tries (I don’t exactly remember I was just happy to make one). I’m not usually one to gloat, especially when sports are involved, however I have to admit that it felt amazing. It was nice to finally show both teams that I’m not the awful player they all seem to believe I am. I know I have my faults, and I know the list is a mile long when it comes to rugby alone, however it is my belief that no one needs their faults and shortcomings spelt out for them, because we are all aware of our own. Rugby is no different- I am aware that I am very far from being the best player on my team. I don’t think I could even be classified as a good player, however I show up to practice whenever I can, and give it my all. I work as hard as I can, and play the best game that I am possible of playing. It saddens me that even though I put my whole heart into the game, my team as well as the boys’ team doesn’t seem to believe in me (even though they all say they do, they never show it). It hurts to see my team looking down on me, like I’m not good enough to be a part of the team. I’m sure this is not their intent, however that doesn’t make me feel any better when I walk away form practice or a game at the end of the day. Usually they get under my skin to the point where I start doubting myself, which, of course, affects how I play. As far as this morning goes, it was nice to not let them get to me, and actually accomplish something during our little morning game. I felt like I was actually worthy enough to be playing with my teammates. For the first time, I felt like I was out of my head and just playing the game I fell in love with. I’m hoping that after today, I won’t be seen as the liability that no one wants on their team, and maybe just maybe, next time I won’t be picked last for once.

Remember people, you are worthy. Don’t let people take your self-worth away, because you know what you are capable of. Just because others don’t see your inner beauty, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. YOU ARE WORTHY. Keep being your perfectly imperfect selves.

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Things Girls Love to Hear

We hear it all the time: “girls are so hard to please” or “girls are so complicated”-this list goes on and on. However, as a girl, I can assure you it is a lie-it’s just what some of us want you to think. However, if you listen in on a conversation amongst just girls, you’ll find out we aren’t that difficult at all. After looking up articles on the same concept, I backed away from google quite unhappy, because 90% of the things listed where not things I would want to hear at all (“I want to lick your tight pink p***y?” If a guy said that to me, I’d probably smack him.) As a girl, here are the phrases that have been said to me that go straight to the middle of my ice cold heart.

1. “You look pretty.” This phrase is so much sweeter than “You look hot,” but doesn’t hold the intensity and pressure that “You look beautiful” does. I guarantee if you tell a girl she is pretty, she will remember it for years to follow, because I know I do.

2. “Your make up looks cute.” This could also work for nails, hair, etc, but the point is the same- girls put a lot of work into these things. When you spend an hour getting ready, it means something when a guy hones in on a part of it. We put a lot of effort into getting our eye make up just perfect, or making sure every piece of hair is in place- it’s nice to have those things be noticed.

3. “That outfit looks nice on you.” This is one of my favorites, because I put a lot of effort into selecting the perfect outfit for my day, however I am usually insecure about how it looks on my body. When I hear that an outfit looks good or nice on me, I am immediately more confident for not only the rest of the day, but every time I wear that outfit. I am also more likely to wear said outfit much more often, all because one person made me feel pretty in it.

4. “How is your day going?” This one works really well over text as well. It’s different from a “What’s up?” or “How are you?” It’s more personal and thoughtful, and because of that, you are more likely to get an honest response.

5. “You have pretty eyes.” Its cheesy and corny and it makes my heart melt every single time.

6. “I’m proud of you.” Who doesn’t love hearing this? Nothing boosts my self confidence like someone telling me this.

7. “You have a cute laugh.” As someone who is insecure about my laugh (I know that’s a silly thing to be insecure about), it makes me feel good when someone tells me this. Because a laugh is normally involuntary, it’s easy to be self conscious about it, so when someone compliments it, it feels really good.

8. “What do you think?” Its nice to hear that someone wants our opinion on something, especially when it’s something we actually know a lot about. It shows that someone actually cares about what we think.

9. “Are you sure you’re okay?” This usually follows the initial “How are you?” “I’m good.” This phrase is for when you know something is off. If you ask twice, it helps us to believe you actually care and aren’t just asking out of common courtesy . Plus, someone is much more likely to open up after the second time you ask.

10. “You’re prettier when you smile.” This will almost guarantee that you will get a smile. First, it suggest that a girl is already pretty. Second, it makes it seem like you have noticed. This is my personal favorite- I can say that it is one of, if not the, sweetest things a guy has ever said to me. I still smile whenever I think of it.

Hopefully these are a little better than some of the other ones found on the internet. Or maybe I’m completely wrong, and these just happen to be things I like to hear. Either way, feel free to let me know what you think in the comments!

Getting Inked

Getting a tattoo is something I have gone going back and forth on for quite some time- first if I actually wanted one, and if so, what? I finally decided on this simple phrase- my phrase. It started as a simple Home Free song, but quickly evolved into my life mantra. When I was depressed, I wrote it on sticky notes and posted them all over my dorm room, in all my folders, on my mirror, everywhere. I said it to myself at least 50 times a day- I said it to myself until I believed it. This phrase has kept me going and has saved my life over and over again. So it seemed fitting that it would be the one thing I would permanently put on my body. However, working up the courage to actually do so was another story.  The plan was to get it for my 20th birthday as a reward for making it two whole decades, but that came and went a month ago and still no tattoo. But then life happened. After some of the worst couple of weeks I’ve ever lived through, the time finally felt right. I had been right on the edge of cliff and beyond ready to jump, partially due to some medication that was seriously messing with my head and driving me crazy. It seemed as though things just kept piling up- my laptop going to hell, my car hitting a ditch, my dog possibly having to get put down- I had reached my limit. I was done. But I survived. I made it. I came out on the other side, and I was okay. After that, I decided it was time. My tattoo is a permanent reminder that things will eventually get better and you can only fall so far into a hole- eventually you hit the bottom and you have two choices- give up and stay there or claw yourself out. I’m not completely in the clear yet, my tattoo helps me remember to keep clawing my way out of that hole and to never stop fighting for my life, no matter how bad that life may seem. No matter what life throws at me, I now have a permanent reminder on my inner hip that everything will be ok.

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