Quite some time ago, I was browsing the blog of fitness expert, Heidi Powell. She had this post in which she opened up about her imperfections, which I found very inspiring. This seemingly perfect public figure was just as insecure about herself as I am. Rather than highlighting my imperfections (because there are a lot of them), I have decided to list my top 10 insecurities. Believe me when I say that I have MANY more than the 10 listed here, but these are the ones that I struggle with almost on a daily basis. For me, 2016 is a year for bravery and strength, so here goes nothing.
- My Teeth: According to my dentist, our teeth’s color, just like our skin, is determined by the amount of pigments in them. My teeth have more big pigments in them than most people (confirmed by my dentist). This makes my teeth have yellowish hue to them. No matter how much I brush them or what kind of toothpaste I buy, they still appear yellow. Since I can’t afford to have them whitened or to buy whitening strips on a regular basis, I seem to be stuck with my yellow teeth. This, of course, makes me very insecure about my smile, especially when meeting new people.
- My Thighs: As much as I love Thunder and Lightening (yes, they have names), they also cause some insecurities. Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with their size, as I have always admired their larger than averageness. I feel more powerful when I look at them. The insecurity comes with what is on them. The insides of my thighs are laced with stretch marks, that disgust me every time I see them. I am unbelievably embarrassed by them. They also hold copious amounts of cellulite, which many of us do struggle with. I hate that as well. I avoid wearing shorts when I can to hide these two things that I am so ashamed of.
- My Breath: Even though my mom and brother are the only ones that have ever commented on it, I am crazy insecure about the smell of my breath. When I was in high school, I brushed my teeth 4 or 5 times a day and always had a pack of gum on me. Today, I only brush them 3 times a day and still carry a pack of gum. I worry every time I eat something, drink coffee, or have weird taste in my mouth that my breath is awful. This is part of the reason as to why I drink so much water- it lessens the scent of your breath.
- My Laugh: So many people have commented on my laugh! It’s too loud, it’s annoying, and on and on. I don’t need to tell you that the more someone comments on your insecurity, the more insecure you become about it. This is me with my laugh. As someone with a lot of different laughs (I don’t know why this happens), I am especially insecure about them.
- My Past: I have so many dark things in my past, that I feel it’s normal for me to be insecure about it, however this doesn’t’ make it any easier when someone is trying to get me to open up about it. I hate it when I have to inevitably share the darkest parts of my past with people, because I don’t want to be treated any differently because of them. Unfortunately, this is probably one of those things that will never go away.
- My Boobs: Let me just say my boobs are HUGE. And I don’t mean DD’s huge, I mean insanely HUGE. Like “can’t even find a bra that fits because they are so big” huge. My whole life, I have been chestier than my peers, partly because they started growing when I was in 4th grade, and continued to do so until my sophomore year of college. I have been hearing comments about them for almost my whole life. Examples? “Why are your boobs so big?” “Why don’t you just get them reduced?” “Can I touch them?” “Are they heavy?” and so on for the last 10 years. I have been the butt of numerous jokes, been given a lot of inappropriate nicknames, and even sexually harassed all at the expense of my boobs. I don’t think it is a mystery as to why “The Girls” make me feel insecure.
- My Brain Problems: Mental health is a very common insecurity, and mine is no different. I struggle with a lot of anxiety that manifests in many different forms, as well as depression. Don’t get me wrong: I am not ashamed of my mental health problems and I am very open about them. However, I am insecure about them because they keep me from doing the things I want to do. It’s a struggle for me to walk into a store alone. I use self checkouts to avoid the anxiety caused by a regular checkout line. I have to leave for my 11:30 class at exactly 11:15 or I will worry obsessively about late or being early. It is these things that happen in my head that I am insecure about- how much it runs my life.
- My Rugby Skills: As much I love this game, it causes me so much insecurity at every game and at every practice. Will I do this right, please don’t mess up, oh gosh don’t let the ball come to me, PLEASE let me catch this ball- those are just some of the many thoughts that are constantly running through my head. Why? Because I am constantly feeling like I am not good enough for my team, and I try so hard every day to keep from disappointing them. However, 9/10 I fail at this, and tend to beat myself about it for hours afterwards.
- My Arms: I hate hate HATE my arms. I see them as fat and gross, and I wish I could cut all the fat off them. They jiggle when I wave them and look huge when my arms are down my sides. If I had to choose the one part of my body that I was the most insecure about, my arms would win every time.
- My Lack of Relationship Experience: I have a lot of trouble with romantic relationships, which makes me very inexperienced. This didn’t come off as an insecurity until one of my best friends threw it in my face over the summer. Now it has become something that I am embarrassed by. It has led me to accept the fact that I will never have the romantic relationship I have been craving for years, but I am slowly making my peace with that.
Now you know the parts of me I am the least proud of. However, these things do not stop me from working everyday to love myself more. It takes bravery to lay all your biggest flaws out in front of you for others to see, but as I said, my theme for 2016 centers around bravery and inner strength. Hopefully, this post will awaken some of your inner strength like Heidi’s post did for me. Until next time- keep rocking your flaws and I will continue to rock mine in the best way I know how, and keep being your perfectly imperfect selves.