Asking for help is not something that comes easily to most people. I am one of those people. It’s a frustrating feeling when you are surrounded by people that are “there for you,” but you continue to feel entirely alone. Feeling as though you have no one to talk to, even on your worst days. Who do you turn to when you feel alone in the world? I have never known how to ask for help until often times it’s too late. Many people don’t understand how hard it is for some to scroll through the list of people you know, and still feel as though there is no one for you to turn to. To be afraid to share your darkest thoughts with people, because you are afraid of them turning their backs, being scared of you, or getting locked away. I have never let anyone into the darkest corners of my brain because those thoughts terrify me, I can’t imagine how they would make others feel to know. It’s hard to feel so angry and frustrated that all you want to do is cry and scream and just stop everything you’re doing to sleep, so you can forget the world for a few hours. It hurts to feel like this and not be able to tell anyone about it, because you are just so terrified of what will happen if you do. You are afraid to lose your friends, you are afraid to vulnerable, but most of all, you are afraid that if you open up, everything becomes real. When it stays in your head, you can push it out and pretend it doesn’t exist. But when you say these things out loud, they become real, and sometimes that’s the scariest thing of all. People will tell you how to ask for help. They will tell you who to ask, when to ask, and a variety of other things that have already run through your head a thousand times. What they don’t understand is how hard it is to take that step, and actually ask for help. The key is to be patient. To try to understand why you feel that you can’t ask certain people in your life. Are you afraid of how they will treat you or are you afraid it will make the problem real? If it is the latter, it makes it that much harder. I know what it’s like to be afraid of your own mind, and it is not something that can easily be fixed.
This past weekend I went to the city and the state fair with some friends. I have never been to the state fair, but I have been to numerous county fairs, which are a common thing in a small town. However, Home Free, an acapella group I love was performing, so I had to go to see them. We got to the city Saturday afternoon, where I had been several times before. It was just another day with shopping eating, but then at night we decided to go for a walk in a beautiful little park a little ways away, and it was so nice. The scenery was beautiful and the walk was nice and relaxing. But on the drive back, I couldn’t help but think about how something about the city at night makes me feel an odd sense of happiness. The lights, the people, something. Something gives me this overwhelming sense of peace, and all I could think about was how for the first time in what feels like forever, I was so happy I could cry.
The next day at the state fair, the first thing I noticed was that the roads were paved. Paved! Every fair I had ever been to had been held in a grass/dirt field. But what I found the most surprising was that it was just a glorified version of the country fair. Food, rides, animals, machinery, and beer- everything my small county fair had every year. It was just bigger, with more people, and pavement. Overall, I wasn’t that impressed. The state fair, I decided, is for city people.
Then there was the concert. That amazing concert with that amazing band. It was my third time seeing Home Free, but the magic was there just like the first time. Seeing them on stage, being able to actually see their faces, and hearing their vices in person- it’s electrifying. As always, they did a signing after a concert. It’s an amazing feeling being able to go up and see their faces right in front of you, to have them talk to you, and make eye contact with you. It’s extraordinary.
But even though the concert was absolutely spectacular, I think the drive home was my favorite. It was a beautiful night, and the stars were so bright and magical, and I got sit and really talk with one of my best friends. For the first time, I was finally able to open up about some of what I’ve been feeling. It was so nice to feel as though someone cared about me. Someone actually listened to what I felt and didn’t tell me it was wrong to be feeling what I felt. I could finally except that the friends I have in college are not the friends I have in high school; these friends actually care about me, and want the best for me. What may have seemed small to others, was a huge breakthrough for me in that car last night. I think I will finally start to feel better. Overall it was a great weekend, and exactly what I needed after such a stressful two weeks and several breakdowns. This weekend reminded me that, like Home Free says, “Everything will be okay.”
“How to you escape when you’re trapped within yourself?” Those are the words written on the palm of the hand. This drawing can be seen in two ways- 1. a person trying to get out with their hand against the glass 2. and person trapped inside and the hand trying to reach them. I’m not going to pretend that was on purpose, but often times our pictures come out deeper than we plan. This drawing was done on a particular bad day. It signifies how I feel on my worst days while battling depression- liked I’m trapped inside my own brain. I’m trying to get out, and make the bad feelings go away, but I’m stuck. But not everyday is bad. And not every bad day is bad all day. So even though this picture may not show it, there is still always hope. Escape is still possible, I just have to figure out how.